Until a few generations ago, everything was clear. Dad said something, Mom had her say, and the matter was settled. At some point, that stable framework began to fade, and accordingly, today a generation is growing up that has difficulty making decisions, suffers from low self-esteem and insecurity, and faces several other problems. What can restore parents’ authority and enable them to help their children develop properly?
First, it is worth recognizing that the world has changed. What will be is not what was. Throughout history, the pace of change between generations was fairly slow. The world in which parents lived was quite similar to the world their children entered. Parents could therefore guide their children and prepare them for life, and this was the source of their authority.
In recent years, the pace of change has become dizzying. The planet has turned into a global village, advanced technologies have transformed our way of life, culture has become international, and people move between countries almost as easily as between cities. In such a dynamic reality, parents look like dinosaurs to their children. They cannot keep up or adapt to the changes. “These old-timers are going to tell me what to do with my life? What do they know anyway?!”
In such a situation, there is no point dreaming of parental authority, and any attempt to impose it by force will end in disappointment. What is worth doing instead is asking ourselves what we can provide our children so that they will feel that we are useful to them amid changing conditions. Ultimately, we will discover that there is one thing everyone lacks today, whether for children, young people, and adults alike. That thing is an integral approach to life.
What does this mean? The world has become integral, interconnected, and interdependent, but as human beings we are still stuck with an old operating system: personal, individualistic, and egoistic. If we upgrade to an integral operating system, i.e., acquire a new approach toward ourselves, others, and our environment, we will achieve success on an entirely different level and also have something valuable to pass on to the next generation. They will feel that we know how to read the map of the interconnected world, and as a result, respect, attentiveness, and parental authority will follow.
The integral approach to education teaches us how to do this, and if we learn it ourselves, we can then bring it home to our children. In general, this method explains that evolutionary forces are advancing us toward complementary connection and harmony among everyone. Just as all of nature is unified—the still, vegetative, and animate levels are connected within a single integral system, like organs in the human body—so too must we human beings learn to function. The sooner we grasp that this is the evolutionary trajectory, the more we will be able to ride the wave instead of being crushed beneath it.
An integral approach to life means building relationships of friendship, consideration, complementarity, mutuality, and positive connection wherever we are. It means creating an environment in which everyone feels equal, important, wanted, loved, and secure. Whoever develops the ability to think and act according to such an approach will, from this point onward, gain the maximum benefit with the minimum loss.
How do we bring the integral approach into our home? It is not done through moralizing nor through tedious lectures. It is rather done by good examples, family connection workshops in which we explore various issues, and special connection exercises with rewards. The aim of the process is for each person to develop an integral perspective on themselves, their attitude toward others, and every situation they encounter. What we acquire in this home laboratory will help us succeed everywhere in life.
For illustration, suppose our family has fallen into a state of general tension. It feels as though we will never be able to reach common ground or any kind of positive connection. As parents, we ask everyone to write down several points they are unhappy about, and then we take turns presenting our complaints. In the next stage, as though we were in a theater workshop, we act out a completely different state. We hold hands and begin speaking in praise of the other family members. Each person, in turn, compliments the others, describes something good they did for them, and says how grateful they are for it. This is certainly not easy, but we make the effort. Afterward, we try to examine ourselves and understand, based on what came up in the first and second rounds, when we feel uncomfortable and when we feel good and at ease. One insight that might arise, for example, is that we like others to serve us and dislike being restricted. Such is human egoistic nature, and it is important to recognize it.
From here, we can move on to another workshop in which we picture the integral person—someone who wants everyone around them to feel comfortable. How good would it be if we were surrounded by people like that? Perhaps we then agree on a family exercise for one week: we all try to be such people, considerate of others and concerned that everyone around us feels comfortable. We agree on a big reward that we will receive if we succeed in the exercise, something we all really enjoy.
Throughout the week, we strengthen one another and set good examples of making an effort to rise above our egoistic impulses. We deliberately try to treat one another well, make concessions, and be considerate of others. At the end of the week, we receive the long-awaited reward and also try to examine how we felt during the week compared with our previous state of tension.
From one exercise to the next, we discover that it is possible to live in a positive atmosphere, in connection and mutual complementarity, and that this is far more worthwhile than endless struggles. Incidentally, we can also add a positive competition, for example, noting each time we receive a good example from someone, with the winner being the person who, over a given period, provided the greatest number of good examples to the other family members.
This is how we gradually build a family with an integral approach. A child who grows up in such a home will understand human nature, know how to recognize what motivates people, whom it is worthwhile to approach and whom it is better to avoid, and how to build good relationships wherever they go. They will have the ability to analyze every phenomenon in reality more deeply and will absorb their studies more easily. Their alignment with the overall direction of development will lead them to success and achievement. And when they see that we are giving them wisdom for life, self-confidence, and the ability to make decisions, their ears and hearts will be open to what we have to say.
Based on “New Life 207 – Parental Authority” with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.
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