Boundary setting is one of the issues that troubles parents most. How do we do it properly?
The problem begins with the fact that, on one hand, we would like to bring the child to a state in which they accept the boundaries we want out of understanding and agreement. On the other hand, this contradicts the very definition of a boundary. What can help most in this regard is the example that the environment provides.
If, as parents, we can find a way for the people around the child to demonstrate a particular boundary that is not crossed, or a certain form of behavior, the child will probably adopt it much more easily. Therefore, the great challenge facing us today is to build a good environment for our children, an environment that provides the right examples. Unless we invest effort in this, the next generation will simply lose its way.
In principle, it is preferable for the environment to cause the child to respect boundaries rather than for us to try to impose them. We should pay attention to who influences the child, whom they respect, and make sure that these people provide good examples. An older sibling, for example, a respected friend, or someone else the child wants to be like can serve as a role model. If they behave in a certain way, the child will probably feel that it is worthwhile to do the same.
Take, as a practical example, a child who refuses to go to bed on time. Instead of fighting the issue directly, we can approach it indirectly. For example, we could enroll the child in a sports program where the coach explains that anyone who wants to progress as an athlete should make sure to be asleep by nine in the evening. The child will naturally be less inclined to argue with a professional authority, and if succeeding in sports is truly important to them, we may find them in bed by five to nine. Another possibility is to let the child sleep over several times at the home of a friend whom we know goes to bed on time. After repeated exposure, the child will “catch” the habit from their friend.
Another principle of setting boundaries is that it is important to build within the child the feeling that we are always on their side and acting for their benefit, and that we have no desire to restrict them. Life itself, however, places limitations on all of us. For example, if the child wants to sleep at a friend’s house every night, we do not have to be the ones to say “no.” We can let the child call the friend’s parents and ask whether they can sleep over again that night. When the parents explain that this is impossible every day because they have family activities and other commitments, the child will understand that such an arrangement is simply impossible.
If the child feels that we are truly always with them, that we are their friends, embrace them, and are happy to give them everything we possibly can, then even if a situation arises in which we have no choice but to restrict them in some way, they will accept it with understanding. Even then, it is worthwhile to find a smart way to show that it is not simply we who are refusing to allow something, but that something has unexpectedly gone wrong, circumstances have changed, or some factor is preventing it from happening. As much as possible, we should avoid presenting ourselves to the child as the bad guy. This is not evasion or avoidance, but an effort to be a wise parent, i.e., a parent who creates situations from which the child can learn how to behave and continue developing as a person.
As for punishment for violating boundaries, it is worthwhile to forget the term “punishment” and instead make intelligent use of the tools of respect and shame. By nature, every person wants to appear important in the eyes of others, to be successful at something, to have special value, to stand out, and to be respected. At the same time, a person will do everything possible to avoid shame. As parents, we can use shame and respect as forces that encourage the child’s growth, but we must learn to do so very delicately and take care not to damage their sense of security.
Consider the following case: we have divided responsibilities within the family, and I, the child, was supposed to stop at the grocery store today on my way home from school and buy a few things for dinner. But instead, I went to play soccer with my friends and completely forgot about it. I arrived home two hours late, sweaty and exhausted, and only when they asked me where the groceries were did I remember that I had promised to stop at the store.
If my family members descend on me shouting and tell me that because of me they have nothing for their toast and salad, I will see them as the source of my bad feelings. Hatred toward them will arise within me, I will become defensive, and I will attack them in return. It becomes a state of war. Nothing constructive will develop from such a situation. It will only produce distance, alienation, and rejection. Intelligent use of shame, on the other hand, means that the parents arrange the situation so that I feel, from within myself, ashamed that I failed to fulfill my responsibility toward the family. Naturally, everything depends on the children’s age, their level of understanding, and so on.
Another familiar family situation is children hitting one another. One thing we can do in such a situation is enter their room and begin arguing in front of them. Seriously and intensely, we parents actually argue with each other about what should be done with them and how we should respond to their fight. This will make them feel uncomfortable, and afterward we can sit down for a family workshop in which we explore together how we would like to live in this home and what kind of atmosphere we want to create. Including the children in such discussions will broaden their perspective and prepare them to connect positively with others outside the family as well.
Our love for our children obligates us, as parents, to learn together how to build a good environment for them, in the family, at school, in the neighborhood, and throughout society. If we make sure to surround them with examples of mutuality, consideration, and support, they will develop an inner awareness of the boundaries between good and bad. The future lies in complementary connections. I wish us all success in forming such connections.
Based on “New Life 208 – Parenting Teenagers, Part 1” with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.