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A happy family requires work. We all know how at the beginning of a relationship everything looks rosy, full of flowers and butterflies, but later on, when we get into the depth of a shared life, all the small and cute things we once saw in our partner suddenly are not so cute anymore. From time to time, we discover new things about them that we are not so happy to find out. What is actually happening here, and how do we maintain a good relationship over the years?
In the ideal state, there should be no barrier between partners, we should not have to hide things from each other. But since we are not there yet and do not have the strength to argue about every little thing, we “swallow” a lot. We put up with them because there is no choice. “There’s nothing to do,” people say, “this is life. There are kids, a house, debts, all kinds of things.” However, sometimes at night, before falling asleep, a question peeks out from the heart: Maybe it can be different? Maybe there is a way to make life truly good? To attain the true love we feel we deserve?
Love does not just come out of nowhere. The sages say that love is built over a lifetime. To that end, it is recommended to do various exercises to build a strong couple connection and a positive mutual relationship. Exercises to such an end should be done with a common intention to maintain the family, to build love between us, warm and kind relations, mutual support, and help.
One recommended exercise is called “a pile of garbage coated in chocolate.” We sit down together, take something tasty like coffee and cake, maybe a glass of wine. We set aside at least an hour of quiet, quality time for ourselves. In general, we want to act like our own psychologists, to observe ourselves from the outside. First, we speak in general terms about human nature, not personally about us. We describe to each other how we think a person’s inner world is built, what are their aspirations, what they fear, and so on.
Then, we move on to ourselves. Each one observes themselves from the outside, and also observes their partner. We take one of us and lay their inner world out on the table. We describe in the third person everything we see in them: desires, hopes, fears, tensions, that which is pleasant and unpleasant. After we both finish describing the first person, we move to the second. We describe them also in third person, as objectively as possible, as if it is not even us.
This way, we are basically placing ourselves on the “lab table” and beginning to explore, discuss, and clarify together as neutrally as possible, without accounts from the past or concerns for the future. We want to throw onto the table everything we do not like, so it does not stay inside as something hidden, and above all to build a new connection. At the end of this stage, a sort of pile of observations and descriptions will have formed on the table. It will contain both positives and a fair amount of negatives, i.e., a fair amount of “garbage.”
In the next stage, we want to cover this pile with something nice and sweet, with chocolate, ice cream, and flowers, so to speak. We do not want to keep seeing each other through this big pile of garbage. We want to rise above it, to love the other as they appear through cleansed criticism-free eyes. How will we do that? Each of us will recall the most magical moment we had with our partner during our time together. Maybe it was the moment that we decided we wanted to get married, maybe another moving event. It needs to be a moment in which the partner appeared to us as absolutely perfect. Once we identify that one moment, we enter it. We live it. There is nothing outside of it. From this feeling, we begin to describe to our partner how perfect they are. How much we love them, and why. How important they are to us, what wonderful and special qualities they have. We do this with full seriousness, without talking nonsense, but with a common effort to discover the deepest and finest phenomena buried within our partner.
After we describe to each other how much we love them, we move on to the final stage: the stage of action. The role of actions is to strengthen the beautiful intentions we reach. Each one details to the other what they long to receive from them. We can talk about anything, from general matters to the most intimate ones. Most importantly, at this stage, while the other is speaking, we must strive to feel their desires, to absorb them into our heart. Not to be busy with our responses to their words, but only to make an effort to feel them. After they finish speaking, we do the same toward them. This is how we become included in one another, begin to feel connected to each other in love, in an “inner coupling” that makes us as one.
We should repeat this exercise from time to time. Each time, a certain pile of garbage will emerge, and we will cover it together with a sweet coating. Gradually we will begin to understand that the main point is not to place demands, but to learn how to come out of ourselves and feel others. When we think deeply about it, we understand that relationship problems do not simply plague us at home. They are everywhere. At work, in business, with neighbors and acquaintances, not to mention the divided society we live in or international relations. In our time, everyone is connected to everyone and influences everyone, and therefore everything rises or falls on relationships.
In the age of the overblown ego, when everyone loses patience very quickly, it turns out that the couple relationship can actually serve as a home lab for developing the ability to create connection and good relationships. This is the key to all success in life, because it is also the direction in which our evolution as intelligent beings is leading us. This is how we rise above the small and selfish reality that is constantly full of problems and pains, into a reality where we constantly grow and develop through love for others and acquiring new desires.
Based on episode 34 of “New Life” with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.
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