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What will be the success code in a world that is becoming more and more interconnected and interdependent? To crack the riddle, we need to accurately diagnose the problem. It turns out there is one factor at the root of all failures and crises seen in relationships, both in society in general and in personal life.
In couples experiencing explosions, in national division, in international conflicts, we see ego games, power struggles, and honor and domination. Each side thinks only of itself. It cannot see anything else. It is not that everything was always perfect in the past, but now the ego seems to be reaching the skies. Moreover, it does not stop growing, it does not let up, constantly generating new drama.
It turns out that life is bringing us closer together in all sorts of connections, but inside, the opposite is happening. We are becoming more and more distant, unable to tolerate anyone near us, closed, Irritable, and short-tempered.
We lack the ability to hold well-oiled connections with people around us, a phenomenon that manifests negatively in every area of life. For example, at one end of the world there is obesity, and on the other side, there are people starving for bread. We are unable to live in equality, peace, and calm, and if the trend of egocentric development continues, global disasters lie ahead. Nuclear war, ecological collapse, and riots in the streets. In our private lives, we already see how the family unit is falling apart.
Eventually we will understand that we need to rise above the ego in order to survive. This will lead us to invest all our energy in developing our ability to relate to others as to ourselves, to perceive everyone as parts of ourselves. The more this upgrade happens, the more humanity will progress to the next harmonious, peaceful, and positively-connected evolutionary stage.
Where can we start such a development in practice? The couple relationship can serve as a home laboratory as it is constantly available. The integral approach to education teaches us how we can act in a direction of developing positive connections, and lets us implement such principles in the framework of a couple’s relationship at home, as well as in connection with other couples in a group framework. The learning involved in the integral approach to education is about human nature, the nature of the world, and the trend of development toward integral connection among everyone. The group presents a social environment for clarifying experiences, sharing insights and impressions from the couple exercises, as well support and encouragement from one meeting to the next.
By engaging in such a process, we create for ourselves a new value system, which prioritizes rising above the personal ego for the sake of connection in love with others and expansion of perception boundaries. Each couple tries to provide good examples of mutual concession and mutual love. In the process, three main stages can be identified.
First, each partner tries to be as a psychologist to themselves, identifying what speaks within them. Any criticism they hold toward their partner, the various flaws that they see in them, where they are wrong and how much they still need to change, each needs to try and rise above it all.
Second, each partner should want to feel and understand their partner, their desires, thoughts, passions, aspirations, and goals. To include their inner world, build their image within, and place themselves at their service, to strive and fulfill them.
Third, each partner should recognize that it is hard to maintain such an approach, and we need help from other couples who are in a similar process. Then, the push to organize for ourselves a supportive environment comes about.
An important principle in the integral approach to education is that one who finds fault in others does so out of their own flaw. This principle means that if we had more love for others, we probably would see no flaws in them. Also, if we see something wrong, it is an invitation to increase the love from our side. It is like a mother who so loves her little children that for her they are always adorable. When there is love, there are hardly any demands. We are willing to do anything for our loved ones, and we enjoy every little thing they do for us. The attitude is what matters, not the material, and with someone we love, we are willing to live even in a one-room apartment. That is why it is said, “Love covers all transgressions” (Proverbs 10:12). There is no flaw or deficiency that cannot be filled with love.
From a broad perspective, when couples work on coming out of themselves and feeling the other, they essentially develop the ability to perceive a broader reality.
Naturally, our egoism is like a pair of glasses through which we see and analyze everything. It gives us lenses that constantly make us ask: “What can I pull toward myself? What can I gain from those around me?” It turns out our egoistic perception hides a lot of facts from us, because we filter reality through “what is good for me.” Reality is much larger, but because of the ego we perceive only a narrow and limited picture. If we learn how to come out of ourselves and develop the ability to act for the sake of others, we then gain a new picture of the world. Endless new possibilities open up, and an abundance of opportunities to expand our very “self.”
A practical couple relationship exercise that emerges from this principle is to agree with your partner that from this moment on, you do not see flaws in one another. There is nothing bad about your partner. You are both perfect, and only seek to do as much good as you can for each other. You want to feel internally connected until you become as one.
“I saw an opposite world,” said the sages. If we also succeed in connecting to each other with love, we will merit to discover that very great success.
Based on episode 33 of “New Life” with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.
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