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Many people feel lonely in their romantic relationship. They have a partner, yet they feel alone. The more practical question here is, how can the emptiness in such a situation be filled?
Take this case study of a couple in their mid-thirties. The early period of marriage went relatively well. In the evenings after work, they would eat together and talk a little. Afterward, the husband would sit on the sofa in front of the TV, and the wife mostly did housework. Later, they had twins, now two years old. Since the birth, the mother has been at home. On one hand, she has an exhausting amount of work, and on the other, she feels terrible loneliness. There is no one to talk to, no one who understands her. No matter how hard she tries to get her husband to pay more attention to her, to give her some care, it just does not work.
Unfortunately, this story is not especially unusual. In general, many of the problems in romantic and family relationships today stem from the fact that we are not taught from childhood how to build relationships that are based on understanding our own nature and that of others.
By nature, the birth of children changes the reality for the couple. For the woman, they become her whole world. She carried them in her womb, gave birth to them, nursed them, and from that point on they are forever an inseparable part of her, the flesh of her flesh. For the man, they are his children, his seed, precious and important to him, but he is also occupied with other matters. One must also remember that we originally came from the animal world. There, the male comes to the female, does his part, and he is done. She stays with the offspring and raises them. Something of this is etched in the fundamental masculine and feminine perception, even in humans, and no matter how we spin it, dad is not mom.
In this case, the man says he comes home with a bursting head, tries to help however he can, changes a diaper here and there, lends a hand to his wife when she bathes them, but he cannot do more. The woman, for her part, feels that what she lacks most is a connection with him. She wants him to talk with her, to tell her what he is going through and to be interested in what she is going through, to discuss their relationship, about what each of them feels.
First, by nature, a man struggles to understand why there is so much of a need to discuss the relationship. For him, things are very simple. “What do you want to hear? That I love you? So yes, I love you. Now let’s move on.”
Second, the woman would be wise to consider how not to let the children act as a barrier between her and her husband. What does this mean? He used to be at the center of the picture, and now that has changed. She talks all the time only about the children, what they need, and how he should help her take care of them. It could very well be that it pushes him away. Therefore, she needs to make him feel that he is still her star, i.e., returning to that original picture when they were just a couple in love, before the plot twist.
Third, no one likes to be approached with demands. A demand is pressure, and pressure shuts a person off. It does not open people up but repels them, cooling them off, making them become distant instead of connect. Indeed, since we are all egoists, we want others to dance to our tune, but to maintain a romantic relationship, mutual concession is essential. We should thus try to rise a little above the ego in order to make room within ourselves for our partner.
Based on these insights, here are some practical suggestions for dealing with the loneliness that has surfaced.
After putting the kids to sleep, the wife can make her husband feel that he is the center of her life. If he is on the sofa watching football, then she can join him, sitting beside him. Gently, softly, with affection, she can bring him something tasty to eat, to drink, maybe hug him. Give him the sense that she is sharing with him, that she is happy when he is well. If she does not feel like watching football, then she can read a book beside him, or something similar. The key point is that he feels she is beside him, in contact with him. After the game ends, likely the closeness that was created will lead to conversation, to a bond.
A structured relationship is very important. Therefore, it is worth setting fixed times for various kinds of connection. For example, it is beneficial for a husband to get used to calling his wife twice a day, at fixed and convenient times, and briefly ask how she is. Additionally, they can set one evening a week for quality time, where all attention is dedicated to each other. A thoughtful dinner, an outing, romance, and love. A nature getaway from time to time with hiking and walking can also strengthen the bond. Countless other ideas might of course arise, but the main point is understanding the direction and intent.
Therefore, we can dissolve loneliness and emptiness solely by developing a connection between hearts. We can create such a bond in a couple relationship when we each try to feel the other, sense what they want, and devote ourselves to fulfilling it. This is “love your neighbor as yourself” in its romantic version. It creates a continuous flow of warm and positive energy between partners, and at the end of the day, there is nothing more fulfilling than that.
Based on episode 26 of “New Life” with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.
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