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In my life as a Kabbalist, I have come to understand that the greatest opportunity for personal transformation lies within the relationship between two people, especially between partners. It is not just a partnership of logistics or daily coexistence, but a sacred space where we can develop a new nature, a nature of giving, understanding, and unity. I call this a “domestic laboratory,” a training ground for the soul.
When we begin a relationship, we do not yet truly know the other. Often, we assume we do, based on what we like, dislike, or expect. But real connection begins when we put all that aside and start to feel the other from within, when we create within ourselves a full, detailed inner image of our partner.
This process starts with a deep desire to rise above our ego. Then, we must reduce the importance of our own desires, our inclinations, and instead give center stage to the other. “What does she want? What does she love? What does she fear? What brings her joy or sorrow?” Slowly, we begin to build within ourselves a new character, our partner’s character, until it becomes real, alive within us. This is not imagination. It is work. Deep, psychological, and spiritual work.
When we truly integrate our partner’s image within us, we begin to perceive the world through our partner’s eyes. We feel their needs as our own. We live in them. From there, we can begin to act toward them in ways that are truly loving, not based on what we think love should look like, but based on what our partner actually needs. Our partner, ideally, does the same for us. This is how we become as one: not by blending into each other, but by forming a precise and reciprocal understanding of each other.
This is what I mean when I say “love is unity.” And unity comes from integration. We integrate our partner’s desires into ourselves, and they integrate our desires into themselves. Then we relate to each other through these internal models we constructed. It is like two systems syncing up via matching interfaces, similar to components in a machine or elements in nature. Without this, no connection, whether emotional, spiritual, or otherwise, can happen.
This integration requires honesty and total openness. In the workshops I guide, couples begin by describing themselves in the third person, as though they are observing a character. “Jimmy is afraid of…” “Jimmy finds joy in…” Why in third person? It is because the self we describe is not truly “us.” It is the bundle of traits given to us by nature, the environment, and our upbringing. It is not our essence. Such a perspective lets us observe without shame or defensiveness.
Then, our partner adds to that image, how they see us. They too speak in the third person, continuing the process. It is not easy. It can feel exposing. But it is also liberating. We begin to realize that there is nothing to hide. That our very selves are a construction, and we can now participate in reshaping them.
Once the images are built, the second phase of absorption begins. We take our partner’s image into our own. We start to live according to it. We stop projecting and start reflecting., calibrating ourselves to our partner’s reality. Also, our partner does the same with ours. Eventually, the internal “avatars” we have built begin to fuse. We reach a state of mutual bestowal and responsibility. This is the gateway to love. It is no fleeting feeling, but an active, conscious, and ever-evolving state of union.
Through this labor of love, we do not simply improve our relationship. We become human. That is, we become someone capable of connection, not only with our partner, but with the world, and ultimately, with the positive force of love, bestowal, and connection that dwells in nature. It is because, when we reach a unified state with others, we invite the higher force dwelling in nature to enter into our connections. That force becomes the glue, the vitality, the divine “third partner” in the relationship.
This is what I teach, live, and trust that every couple can achieve, if they are willing to do the inner work. The rewards are boundless.
Based on episode 36 of “New Life” with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.
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