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Our whole life is relationships. Partners, children, friends. At work, in the country, in the world, relationships are everywhere. Moreover, in the age of the overblown ego, when tempers shorten and difficulties increase, there is an urgent need for a method for positive connection.
Let us begin with a basic definition. By nature, we are made of a desire to enjoy—a desire to receive pleasure and delight. Even inanimate objects have a desire to exist in good condition, and plants and animals want to grow and thrive. But we can find no parallel to the desire of a human being. It is a desire that develops at an accelerating pace and wants to consume everything for itself. As a result, we constantly change, and many demands arise within us, as well as many expectations from those around us.
Animals act according to instinctive urges. Young children usually act this way too. But for us, it is worth learning to be our own psychologists—to know our inner drives, our natural behavioral patterns and reactions. It is important to understand that what surfaces in our personality naturally is still not our true self, but rather “the animal” in us.
What does that mean? The “human” in us must be built with our own hands. How? It is by splitting ourselves into two: one part is the human who observes and examines, and the other is the “animal” in us with all its natural impulses. There is no need to be ashamed of it. After making this distinction, we must begin to be masters and owners of this animal living within us. Doing so requires observing ourselves well: examining our nature, developing awareness of our urges, and critiquing ourselves from the side.
The first condition for maintaining a relationship is concession. We are all egoists, we all want only to enjoy, which is why it is said that love is a pet we raise through mutual concession. The second condition is a smile, even if it is artificial and does not truly arise from within.
Why are these two important? It is because today’s macho atmosphere broadcasts “Show everyone what you’re worth, display strength, be powerful,” which brings about myriad problems in life. With aggression, one gains nothing except enemies and haters. Even if we have defeated someone, they will now be busy constantly seeking how to trip us up, to prove we are worthless.
Concession and a smile, on the other hand, provide others around us with an example of a positive attitude, express a willingness to cooperate, to reach understanding, and problem-solve together. “Actions draw hearts,” the sages said, and if we try to concede and smile at others, we will suddenly feel that warm emotions arise toward them from within our heart.
Attitude breeds attitude, and therefore, if we persist accordingly, we will usually see changes from the other side as well.
Building a romantic relationship is thus a process of connecting between two egoists. From the outset, each is enclosed in their own hard shell, and we experience friction like two nuts. To connect, we must be soft and flexible.
A state of relationship means that we have entered into one another at least to some extent. Just like in physical coupling, where the male enters the female, so too it must happen in the internal union, i.e., in the connection between our desires. Each must function both as male and female, give and receive, until we become mutually included within each other.
The concept of “inclusion” means that each partner has made space within themselves for each other.
Also, there is the tango principle, where partners can only feel connected if there is movement between them. A healthy connection between two people exists solely on the basis of change. Like in a tango, when one move, their partner moves. One goes forward, the other goes back; one goes back, the other goes forward. Without movement, there is no dance.
We need understanding and emotional sensitivity to see how states constantly change. Like in nature, there must be both a sense of hunger and a sense of fullness. Without bitter, we will not notice the sweet. Contrasts and changes are part of life, but we must know how to control the different states. Above all, it is important to always remember the tango principle: we always walk together.
The mutual enjoyment of our relationship must be the foundation of the couple’s relationship. We both must enjoy the connection equally. That is, we must be sensitive enough to feel how our partner enjoys us and act according to our partner’s feeling, and our partner must act the same toward us. Each partner must try to consider the other’s desires and make an effort to use their abilities for the other’s benefit.
Only when each side feels the other and takes them into consideration can we say we are dancing and enjoying together. When we are sensitive to the changes in us, and we are attentive to all the changes happening in us, then we can say we are beginning to tango.
One of the tools that helps build mutual connection is the “Connection Workshop.” The rules of the workshop are simple: we listen wholeheartedly to others, do not criticize or reject, add our own thoughts to what is said, and most importantly, come open, as if with a peace pipe in hand and a desire to build warm relations.
An exercise for a couple’s connection workshop is that we try to imagine that we are a dream couple. That our relationship is the best it could possibly be. We can take a minute or two to reflect on that, and then share with our partner what such a relationship looks like? What does it include?
We should then look for as many words, emotions, and descriptions as possible, giving the perfect relationship a form, flavors, and colors. Moreover, we should try to hold onto the image we form together. To live inside it like in a magical fairy tale, like children immersed in an adventure game.
In a broader sense, however, it is likely that the advice mentioned here cannot sustain itself without a supportive environment. For a single couple alone, it will be very difficult to persevere in the work of building a connection.
The social atmosphere today does not encourage deep connections. On the contrary, it is why the family unit is collapsing and relationships are falling apart. The same process is evident on a global scale, that there is an intensifying ego that divides and paralyzes people, and where with the creation and stockpiling of more and more weapons, creates an increasing sense of anxiety. Human competition and destruction, where we seek more power, sales, and money, has brought about a corruption in nature.
Eventually, however, the awareness will grow that by nature, we are all one family, and to survive, we need connection, mutual consideration, and complementarity. Then, we will embark together on a collective socio-educational-cultural process that will define positive human connections as a top priority. Within such a framework, the romantic relationship will become a small home laboratory where we will work on developing the ability to love others as ourselves. An integral educational method that prioritizes positive human connections throughout society will teach us how to give birth to a new person and a new humanity from within ourselves. It is my hope that we will succeed in this fateful transition from an increasingly chaotic world to a harmonious and peaceful one.
Based on episode 25 of “New Life” with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.
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